EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES - The Paranoid Emotional Vampire Checklist

Paranoid Vampires are visionaries who search hard for the Truth.  They see things that others can't.  The question is whether those things are really there.

LOOK FOR: Absolute certainty about themselves and their beliefs, distrust of everything else.

DRAW YOU IN WITH: Virtue, creativity, perceptiveness, protectiveness, and deliverance from evil.

DRAIN YOU BY: Jealousy, unshakable prejudices, constant cross-examination of every difference of opinion.  Absolute belief is neither good nor evil, but it is a door through which either may enter.

THE ONES YOU SEE EVERY DAY: Jealous spouses, conspiracy theorists, and people who post weird things on the Internet.

DEFENSIVE STRATEGY: Know how to recognize a crazy idea when you hear one. Don't answer questions when they're asked a second time.

NEXT STOP, THE TWILIGHT ZONE

True or false? Score one point for each true answer.

1. THIS PERSON IS OVERLY SUSPICIOUS.

2.  THIS PERSON HAS VERY FEW CLOSE FRIENDS.

3. THIS PERSON CAN MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.

4. THIS PERSON TENDS TO SEE MANY SITUATIONS AS STRUGGLES BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL.

5. THIS PERSON NEVER SEEMS TO LET GO OF A HURT OR MISTREATMENT.

6. THIS PERSON SELDOM TAKES WHAT HE OR SHE IS TOLD AT FACE VALUE.

7. THIS PERSON WILL CUT PEOPLE OUT OF HIS OR HER LIFE FOR TINY SLIGHTS.

8. THIS PERSON IS ABLE TO DETECT DECEPTION IN ONE OR TWO PARTS PER BILLION, AND SOMETIMES SEES IT WHEN IT ISN'T THERE AT ALL.

9. THIS PERSON DEMANDS ABSOLUTE LOYALTY IN THOUGHT AND DEED.

10. THIS PERSON IS FIERCELY PROTECTIVE OF HIS OR HER FAMILY.  (OR ONE OR TWO CLOSE FRIENDS)

11. THIS PERSON SEES CONNECTIONS AMONG THINGS THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD CONSIDER UNRELATED.

12. THIS PERSON SEES LITTLE MISTAKES, SUCH AS LACK OF PUNCTUALITY OR FORGETTING INSTRUCTIONS, AS INDICATIONS OF DISLOYALTY OR DISRESPECT.

13. THIS PERSON TELLS PEOPLE WHAT OTHERS ONLY SAY BEHIND THEIR BACKS.

14. THIS PERSON MAY HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, BUT CANNOT SEEM TO LAUGH AT HIM OR HERSELF.

15. WHAT WILL MAKE THIS PERSON ANGRY SEEMS COMPLETELY UNPREDICTABLE.

16. THIS PERSON SEES HIM OR HERSELF AS A VICTIM OF MULTIPLE DISCRIMINATIONS.  

17. THIS PERSON BELIEVES TRUST IS SOMETHING THAT HAS TO BE EARNED.

18. THIS PERSON HAS TAKEN ILL CONSIDERED ACTIONS 'ON PRINCIPLE'.

19. THIS PERSON OFTEN TALKS ABOUT SUING PEOPLE TO REDRESS WRONGS.

20. THIS PERSON QUESTIONS PEOPLE TO DETERMINE THEIR LOYALTY AND FIDELITY.

21. THIS PERSON COLLECTS LITTLE DETAILS THAT SEEM TO PROVE HIS OR HER PET THEORIES.

22. THIS PERSON BELIEVES IN THE LITERAL INTERPRETATION OF THE BIBLE OR OTHER RELIGIOUS TEXT.

23. THIS PERSON BELIEVES IN UFO'S, ASTROLOGY, PSYCHIC PHENOMENA OR OTHER CONCEPTS THAT MOST PEOPLE CONSIDER TO BE ON THE FRINGE OF CREDIBILITY.

24. THIS PERSON OPENLY ADVOCATES CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT FOR CERTAIN CLASSES OF PEOPLE. (e.g. THEY SHOULD TAKE ALL THE BIGOTS AND . . .)

25.  THOUGH I WON'T ALWAYS ADMIT IT, THIS PERSON IS SOMETIMES EMBARRASSINGLY CORRECT IN HIS OR HER ASSESSMENT OF ME.

Scoring: Five or more true answers qualifies the person as a Paranoid Emotional Vampire, though not necessarily for a diagnosis of Paranoid Personality.  With twelve or more true answers, watch out for Imperial storm-troopers.  

By ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D.