Problem drinkers and their families

It is often assumed that problem drinking is only a problem for the drinker. This may be linked with the idea that all problem drinkers are "alcoholics" or heavy-end dependent drinkers who live on the streets and are isolated from normal social contacts. Both of these stereotypes are very far from the truth. The vast majority of problem drinkers are in employment. They may be dependent drinkers or binge drinkers or people who just drink too much on a regular basis. Similarly the great majority of problem drinkers live in families and those families are greatly affected by the consequences of the drinking. It is estimated that for each problem drinker in this country, three or four other people are directly affected and many more suffer indirect harm. Nor should the scale of the problems families suffer be underestimated. Those problems are all-pervasive; they affect the functioning of family systems, relationships and routines; they damage the quality of individual life experience and the life opportunities of those who suffer them during their formative childhood years.

 Husbands, wives, partners

Alcohol is clearly a factor in marital discord and is cited as such by more than a third of those petitioning for divorce in the United States. Imagine living with someone who is permanently depressed, who suffers from mood swings and who comes home drunk at predictable or unpredictable times. Or maybe the drinker you're living with drinks at home and either withdraws from all interaction with the family or presents themselves as a vibrant dominant personality who monopolises your attention. Some drinkers behave in all of these ways at different times; sometimes becoming maudlin and self-pitying, sometimes becoming verbally or physically aggressive. In company they may present as charming, well-functioning and amusing; at home they may be mean-spirited, manipulative and spiteful. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is a phrase frequently heard on the lips of partners. Typically the drinker denies responsibility for the problems they are causing and blames the partner directly for them or suggests that it's the problems that are causing the drinking, rather than the other way round. An attractive wife I once interviewed told me, through her tears, that her heavy-drinking husband refused to have sex with her because she wasn't sufficiently good-looking. She had no idea that heavy drinking causes impotence in men and it hadn't occurred to her that her husband's refusal to have sex was his defence against admitting this. Imagine too the distress you might feel if your partner constantly blames you for things that go wrong, and that all their friends and work colleagues keep telling you what a great person they are and how lucky you are to have netted such a catch.

Partners often say they feel as though they are going mad. Their own self-esteem suffers and they may feel they lack the energy to try to change anything. Another factor which may lock the partner into the situation is economic dependency. The drinker may be the chief breadwinner and without their income the partner may have no means of securing accommodation. Even when there is domestic violence the partner may be reluctant to leave. She may be emotionally attached to Dr Jekyll, and when, in the morning, he tells his partner that he couldn't manage without her she knows this is true and feeds her self-esteem on the only sincere praise she ever hears. Perhaps it is for this reason, or perhaps it is because of the traditional caring roles of females that women stay with problematic male drinkers much longer then men do with female drinkers.