Problem drinkers and their families

Impossible dilemmas face the partner in trying to prioritise the needs of all the family members. Attention which he or she would normally devote to the children is often claimed by the drinker and the children's emotional and physical needs are neglected. Alternatively the partner heroically insists on giving the children the care and support they so desperately need, only to be accused of disloyalty by the drinker. In order to avoid the consequent scape-goating of the chidren, the partner learns to pretend to ignore their needs and chooses in doing so to protect them and placate the drinker. Often the children see only what is going on on the surface. The partner is overworked, short-tempered, inattentive but takes responsiblity for discipline. The drinker is powerful, jolly, amusing and indulgent at least some of the time. It is not uncommon for the children to side with the drinker and to see the partner as a weak and boring kill-joy.

A child's eye view

The drinker's mood swings described above obviously affect the children too. Their ages at onset of the problematic drinking have an important effect on the way they interpret the behaviour. If they have experienced it all their lives they may come in some sense to see it as normal; to expect some adults at least to be unpredictable, angry, indulgent and depressed. Indeed adult survivors of such family systems say that they have difficulty in knowing what normal human reactions are and they may not make the association between the drinking and its behavioural consequences. Older children may see clearly what is going on and have difficulty in reconciling the behaviour with their expectations of a same-sex role model. They may need to blame the non-drinking partner in order to retain their own self-esteem. If the drinker is of the opposite sex they may conclude that all members of the opposite sex are worthless. In either case these children's abilities to form adult relationships are often severely impaired.

Children may witness violence between their parents or have it directed at themselves. They may lie awake in bed waiting for the arguments to start and fearing that one of their parents may be killed by the other. Drinkers with children almost always say that their children are asleep when rows occur. Children tell you they hear everything; there is no way they could sleep through these traumatic events. At school children are often pre-occupied and inattentive. They get into trouble for failing to concentrate. They are wondering if the drinker will turn up to collect them or how things will be when they get home; whether the drinker will be happy, aggressive or unconscious. They may be invited to their friends houses for tea but won't go in case there is a reciprocal expectation and their friends see the state or the behaviour or their drinking parent.

Children of problem drinkers tend to exhibit a variety of behavioural problems. They are frequently themselves aggressive, hyper-active and unruly. They have learning difficulties, they truant more often and may be disruptive in class. They tend to suffer from an extreme lack of self-esteem, they may be shy and withdrawn, constantly anticipate criticism, wet the bed and exhibit poor personal hygiene. As adolescents they may isolate themselves from their peers or they may seek the attention and approval from a gang of peers that they do not get at home and effectively sever the home connection. It appears that when the drinking repertoire includes violence, parental conflict, separation or divorce, children's social development fares worse in the long term. Inconsistent or ambivalent parenting on the part of the non-drinking parent also has a negative effect. The security which comes from living in a predictable world is absent for many of these children and many believe themselves to be to blame. Directly or indirectly they get the message that if they were better-behaved, cleverer, better-looking etc., their drinking parent wouldn't need to drink. The effect of this on their self-esteem is unimaginable.