Problem drinkers and their families

Gradually the problem drinker shows less interest in non-essential activities. They tend to relinquish their roles within the family and to cease making any contribution to the work of the house. The partner is thus obliged to take on more and more. They become exhausted and resentful. Sometimes they come to accept and even appreciate the control this gives them and they stop trying to change things. Sometimes the unpredictable interruption to family routines that comes with bouts of drunkenness makes it impossible to plan any sort of routine activity - like collecting the children from school - let alone any major project like a holiday. If the partner prepares a meal it may go uneaten, if they do not they may be abused for their failure to service the drinker's needs. Often all the members of the family live in a permanent state of anxiety, wondering when and in what mood the drinker will arrive home. Paradoxically, although the drinker is no longer a productive contributor to any aspect of family life, nevertheless their needs and wants come to dominate it.

Partners still have their original obligations to meet. They may have jobs to hold down, caring roles for children or elderly relatives to fulfil, and other commitments to the wider community. They may find these increasingly difficult to manage. The behaviour of the drinker may render them unpunctual, unreliable, irritable and stressed and pre-occupied. The overall psychological strain can lead to partners seeking help from the medical profession, to their taking tranquillisers, anti-depressants or themselves self-medicating with alcohol.

People have cultural expectations of what family life should offer

 Religious festivals like Christmas or Divali, rites of passage like barmitzvahs or weddings, all of these are celebrated in ways which are broadly mapped out by tradition. For the family of the problem drinker however, nothing is sacred. Such occasions tend to offer drinking opportunities; they often also become scenes of discord and upset. Whilst other families are giving each other presents, the drinker's family is trying to mend the hurt feelings and broken furniture or mop up the vomit. Bad memories are stored. Moments of intense embarrassment are rehearsed. Invitations cease to be made. The whole family is likely to become stigmatised and isolated. The partner may feel ashamed and somehow responsible for the drinker's behaviour and may stop trying to make any contact with the outside world lest the world discover the awful family secret.

If the drinker's behaviour becomes unreliable they may, of course, lose their job. In any case the fact that a large proportion of the family's income is spent on alcohol means there is less left for other things. Financial priorities become irrational. Money is spent on alcohol that should go on rent or mortgage and families may end up without electicity or gas, without food and eventually without a roof over their heads. Not surprisingly issues such as these lead to conflict between partners. Rows and recriminations may occur when the drinker is drunk or sober. Rational discussion may be replaced by morose withdrawal and a refusal to discuss important family issues. Alternatively things may be said in anger which irrevocably damage the emotional quality of the relationship between partners.